beginnings and endings!!

20th August 2011
“Every music ends; but that’s no reason not to listen to music.” I read it in my twitter timeline sometime back and loved it instantly. This quote made me think, delve deeply in to the meaning and significance of two nouns: “beginnings and endings”. Of course, everything begins from a certain point and ends at the other. Some might say that nothing begins or ends; it is infact a continuous cycle. Well, i would love to agree with it but at 21, I still need to see more aspects of life to give away insightful thoughts and philosophies as spiritual leaders. Well, nothing might end or begin and everything in this universe might be some sort of cycle…but when you live all your life in tinny whimsy moments like I do; the endings and beginnings do matter. And when we live all these moments from our four chambers; every beginning and every ending leaves a deep impression or in latter case a scar in our hearts. But i guess, we cancerians are more prone to all these scars, than the rest zodiacs. The beginnings and endings, at this particular moment I am talking about is: Life and death.

I am no philosopher, but I know for a fact that people live and people die. And the dance of life continues through generations. This is not a new thing either. A dozen kids might be crying their way into this world from their mother’s womb, as I write, another dozen, leaving this very world. This beginning and ending of life sometimes makes me think, makes me question the very significance of this ritual, this dance of life. If we are to go from here, then why come to this earth?? Birth, always imparts joy; with every kid, tons of joy; kilos of hope and limitless dreams are born too. Death, on the other hand, not only kills the particular person but also in some way or the other kills the family and the million possibilities that would have come true if only death hadn’t come knocking at the doorstep. Death, the very word shudders me. When we were kids, my babu and I ; in our numerous long and stupid conversations which sometimes went deep, we would talk about our life, wishes, dreams and fears. At one particular “deep” conversation, he asked me what scared me the most (he was then scared of darkness and a million things). I said death. Death scared me the most then and still it does. Reasons, I will sort now.

Many people die and the living ones have to accept it. But since, I am no spiritual leader and am simple enough to admit my selfishness; I am grieving three most tragic losses of my life here, potential reasons behind my phobia. Death, the devil who steals and ends the beauty of life and all the hopes and possibilities associated with it, has taken away my guardian angels from me. No offense to the million other people who had been a part of my life, inspired me and whose deaths cannot be compensated I am sure, and whose deaths I , myself must have grieved at a certain point or the other. I am definately not saying that their passing away mean nothing to me. But here, I am actually writing about the 3 huge losses in my life, I am thinking about a lot today.

My grandmother, my Maa. She was my second parent, one who took care of me when my mom went to office; along with her 5 other grandchildren. Heart patient, yet always there for us all. After my parents, she is the person who deserves all my respect. I have seen her in both her strong and frail moments; in both her best and worst situations. And suddenly, in one of her heartaches, something she had been going throughout her life, she decided to leave us all. I made it only to Pashupati, that moment, that drizzling moment still strikes me, shakes me from within. Life has never been the same again and I still miss her at times, like I am missing her now. Hers was the first close death I encountered , it was death of someone so close and personal; it was death of someone who had been touching my life everyday and in everyway for 16 years of my life.

It didn’t take 3 months for merciless death to show its hideous face again and this time it took away my maternal granny, my other maa. I still remember the night, it was raining heavily and we were at pashupati, waiting for the ominous moment; all prepared for the loss yet incompetent to the tyrannical skills of death. We were easing her, preparing her, making end easier for her. The woman who gave birth to 13 children, lost 3 but raised 10; who saw all lights of life, the golden joys and the dark sorrows and yet the simplest woman I have ever known; passed away then, in that rainy night; surrendered to death bravely with all her children next to her.

And the next tyranny was when death decided to steal, literally steal, away my mama from me. It was unexpected, out of blue. With what doctors refer to as heart attacks, death fooled us and took him away as silently as it could. It was a shock for us all and no one was in anyway prepared for it. The sorrow was boundless, the tears endless and for at least a week I kept on hoping that he would turn up and this would all be a bad bad dream. A guardian angel in every sense, my Mama never lived only for himself. He could love everyone and be there for everyone. His death was a huge mistake, to this day, 2 years later, I still believe it is a blunder mistake.

His death in particular made me cynical. A person, who was literally an angel to so many others, how can he pass away just like that?? It was his time to enjoy life, and to touch more lives; but his sudden death killed all the possibilities. Good things should always happen to good people, but his death suddenly made me question that, made me question the whole “endings and beginnings” and its significance. And I needed an answer desperately. After all, we all human beings like to believe in good things, believe in happy things, believe that if I do good, the world will do me good in return.

And this quote gave me answers. Every music ends, but that is no reason not to listen to music. And so it is with everything else. Every life ends, but that is no reason not to live. Every goodness ends, but that is no reason not to do good. Every hope ends, but that is no reason not to believe in them. Because if it hadn’t been for them, for these 3 guardian angels in my life, I might not be ME. Without them Krity Shrestha could be some other girl, with different priorities and values in life, stronger or weaker than she is now. This quote taught me to stop expecting and do what I have to do, be grateful for everything and enjoy life, live life without worrying about the endings. A simple quote, which appeared in my twitter timeline, ended all the cynicism in me and gave rise to another beautiful, hopeful beginning!!!

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