Understanding RAGE!!

“RAGE” i wonder how that originates!!! Does it start from our unconscious; deep within from our hidden dreams, unfulfilled desires or is the harsh reality, always tusseling with our principles, its mother?? I could just google and look more into psychoanalysis, google-baba would happily show me more than a million “sangrahit pratilipiharu”but right now, i need to understand this paricular rage inside me. This rage, my rage, is blinding my visions and slowing my thought process. This rage is shaking me from within; suffocating me; fuelling my anger; making me wanna say things, t wouldn’t otherwise; making me do things, i wouldnt do otherwise. I am trying to control it; gritting my teeth, trying to keep my mouth shut, thinking about this and that, trying to be optimistic, but i swear to god, its not working.

I am trying to understand it, this rage and I am trying to get to its roots. And i just don’t seem to get it. I don’t know what i am so mad at, pathetic isn’t it??I search for the reason again, its all dark,deep and dense down there. Too many instances, too many reasons, too many dissatisfactions seem to link, chain and form a collage; with the actual reason deep within in its core. And I just dont seem to reach it, just dont seem to get to the core.Grr..

I check my horoscope. Libra has 3 stars..hmphh even the stars know what’s going on in my mind.THT suggests, “Negativity wont help you achieve your desires.” How true! I also remember reading somewhere that anger hurts the keeper more than the one it is aimed at. I seem to be mad at myself, so in both cases i am the one who is hurt here. I need to manage it, I need to control my rage. I cannot let this stupid rage spoil my day and spoil others too.But its taking efforts, loads of them, to control it; to act normal; to not lash out at my coworkers who have nothing to do with my rage. This morning, I almost lashed out at my dad, silly me and my godforsaken anger!! Every smile is taking efforts and all these silly efforts are taking a toll on me, angering me further.

When I get mad, I keep it within myself. And this very anger burns me from within; like a boiling water, steams, bolis and shimmers; fueled by my anger; hurting and suffocating me. I grit my teeth, not to let it pou outside and then my head feels like bursting and I cannot think straight. I ffel this urgency to channel it then, channel it away vrom me. When I am desperate, I bang the doors, bang the kitchen wares. The anger gets channeled, it does, but onto someone else and the cycle never ends. So, I usually either fead or write. When i read, i an transported to other’s mind, other’s imagination and the anger-o-sauras inside me hides somewhere, with equal chances of showing up again. So, I like writin it all out, and in this case typing. So, I write it all aout,vent my anger, channel it through mu arms onto my wrist, and through my fingers into the pen and finally onto the paper.The whole journey of my anger through writing is magical; when my thoughts shape up into alphabets in my scribbles, the relief I feel is breathtaking. This relief calms me down and clears my mind, just like its doing now. I may not have reached to the core, but now i can think straight. My mood feels settled, havinfg the flame of anger turned down and the core of the rage gets locked up somewhere. Relief in the end!!!

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