Dear Daddy!

May 31, 2012

Dear daddy,

I can read minds; at least I can read yours. It’s not difficult when you love someone so much. I love you daddy, you know I do. Maybe not as much as you love me, but in my own way; I love you a lot. I love you so much so that my heart aches. It is not easy staying away from you in Sri Lanka.I know I scold you everytime you say you miss me. Everytime you say that your life is difficult without me; I accuse you making me weak.  Everytime you say that I cannot take care of myself, I argue that you are being impossibly possessive. But , in truth, I miss you more. I miss everything about you, your big loud “HAHA”s, your big warm eyes; your heart warming smile. I miss our shopping trips, where I always exceed our shopping agreement; and how you ask me to lie to Mamu about the actual prices and still despite our efforts she says “chori-choralai kuiyiine gari bigarna laagisakyo” ; our conspiracies, debates and heated disagreements. I miss your reactions after I do everything that you ask me not to do and  I even miss banging door on your face after our stupid fights daddy. I miss the way you shield us, babu and I, from everything; and the way you pamper us. The way you say “kids don’t need to know this” and how you always almost never let me grow up. People say I am immature, and I know it is partially true; all thanks to you. But I love you daddy.

I get mad at you at times, many times actually because of these very reasons. I want to be independent, free but you always want me near, clinging to you. With all our differences; your everlasting cynicism and my undying optimism; you trying to protect me, control me every time  and me opposing you at every step; I love you. There are things that we will never agree; since you are stubborn and I happen to take right after you in stubbornness , I know that no one can or will ever love me like you do. You have always protected me, kept me safe from everything and even when I am here you won’t give up in your pursuit.

You have given us everything; a good home, a good education and fulfilled all my crazy whims and transcendent delights. May it be toweling me dry after my “getting wet in rain” madness, or buying me a Kitkat when I am sad; tirelessly picking and dropping me off every day; pampering me, spoiling me all the way or going through my text messages and threatening my male friends, you have really crazily loved me. I know you never sleep properly during our exams; because you can’t sleep when we are not asleep. When we get sick, it hurts you more.  You have seldom said NO, when it’s something that makes us smile; and never said an easy YES, when it’s about me going away from you.

Life hasn’t been easy, but you have always given us the very best of everything. You both have never complained at all. Mamu loves us too, in fact she has always prioritized our happiness before hers, sacrificed her wishes to meet our demands but she makes it a point that we know and respect how we got it, that we grow up close to the reality, appreciating instead of taking things for granted. But you have always been only concerned with our happiness and maybe that’s why I love you a little more. Funny! It is unbelievable at times when you act so kiddish, more than us, just to make us smile or protect us from learning the difficulties. But I have always known it daddy, told ya, I can read minds, at least yours, I can.

I know you won’t tell me because you believe I don’t need to know. You wont let mamu tell me either, but guess what I read mamu’s expression and got the whole story out from her. I am your daughter, so much like you. I can’t let you suffer alone Daddy but to tell you that I know already, will put you more in trouble. So, if you can work so hard to shield me from it, then I won’t leave any stone unturned either to shield you back. I can see right through your fake smile, all the troubles and pains that you are trying to hide; that you are hoping skype won’t reveal. And guess what, I work equally hard pretending not to know; to hold this lump in my throat while talking to you. I can see you working hard not to leak anything, and so I pretend too. I pretend that I didn’t notice anything; I pretend that nothing is amiss. And the more I do, the more I realize how difficult it is. Then, more I appreciate you doing this all my life, the more I realize how much I love you.  The whole day, today, I have been working like insane to keep these thoughts away, and it comes back and thrashes up in my face. This distance has made me more helpless because all I can do is pray that things will turn out just fine. I am optimistic, you see.

And then after skyping, I cry, let tears wash down all the frustration. I cry helplessly and I pray. I pray to god, to give me all your troubles and pains; I tell god that I won’t complain and I ask God to give you all my happiness, you have tirelessly added into my basket. And I promise myself, that I am going to make you proud some day. I want to make you proud daddy, this has always been the driving force for me. And I pray and pray and pray; grateful to have you as my father. You are not perfect, you have your faults daddy and we are totally different and yet I wouldn’t change a thing. You are my pillar of strength, and I will always look upto you. Your dignity matters more to me than my own.

This letter is making no point. Its going round and round; actually going nowhere daddy, but then it doesn’t have to. I love you , that’s all I am feeling now and that’s all I need you to know. I cant wait for these two months to pass, to see you and hug you so tightly, to hear you loud hahas and give you all sorts of troubles. And I know, you want the same too.

Love,

Maiya

    • Annie
    • April 30th, 2013

    This is so wonderful..I couldn’t help crying. You’ve spoken my heart out and in such a way that it tells perfectly how I feel. Right now, I’m going through exactly the same thing and only you can imagine how much it hurts to be away from them. I love you for writing this artcle!!! It means so much to me!!

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