While Tossing and Turning..

8th June 2012

Its 12:30 midnight. I switch off my kindle and decide to sleep then. I turn off my lights and climb onto my bed; inside the canopy of mosquito net. I say my prayers and lie down; hug my pillows and turn around. But me eyes are wide awake.

My mind is still somewhere in Lusitania, trapped in faraway galaxy with Pipo and Novinha caught in their fierce argument on Xenobiology. I wonder why Pipo would let Novinha take the test. Pointless, I sigh and try to keep the “Speaker for the dead” thoughts away from my mind. “I will be reading it again tomorrow anyways, I tell myself. I need to sleep now”, I decide. But my sleep probably got lost in the galaxy, fantasized by Orson Scott; because it’s just not coming to me. I turn around and his thoughts barge into my head in a lightspeed manner. Not Orson Scott, of course! “He must be studying, does he have exams tomorrow”, I muse. I check time, its 1 am here.  “So it’s already 1:15 there, he must have gone to bed,” I tell myself. “Could he be awake now, could he be thinking about me” my heart wonders. “Stupid heart always thinking out of the way and getting itself into trouble” I scold myself. But it doesn’t stop there. The train of thoughts links itself to memories from my sub-conscious and I find myself thinking about the things he said, things I wanted him to say but he didn’t say. Expectations announce themselves in my mind, only to be swiftly replaced by deep disappoints. “Should not expect from others,” I remind myself, teary-eyed by now. “Does this ever end?” I ask myself aloud. “It would have if you had let it” adds my over smart brain chastising my stupid heart. And the accusations and defenses go on for some time.

I should think about something else, I decide and turn around sniffing into the darkness, wiping my wet eyes with my blanket.  My mind turns over inevitably then and I find myself going through the skype conversations with my family. The things they said today; I replay all the conversation over and over in my mind.  My father’s usual questions, my mother’s instructions and cautious words , my babu’s  jokes and funny comments with my usual mindless chattering; the usual skype conversation as we try to make up for the miles long distance and 24 hours in the 1 hour video chat. I also ponder over the unsaid things, their expressions and pray to god to keep my family safe. Then, the gnawing feeling is back; the feeling of missing your loved ones.

A few mosquitoes decide to barge in and sing to me then. I curse them and sit up and manage to send one to heaven. A distraction just in time! I flip the pillows. It is always cooler on the other side. The fan is still circulating at full speed. Its 2:30 am by now. I sigh and tell myself that I have only 2 hours to sleep now. That drives my thoughts towards my work. My achievements, my targets and myself assessments take over my thoughts now, as I assess my actions, interactions.  The whole report plays out in my mind in the Microsoft format then. I make plans for the next day and mental notes of the things I should finish. All sorts of bright, promising ideas take shape in the darkness of night then as I keep thinking about my work.

My stomach rumbles and I feel hungry. 3:30 am. I should sleep. A few dogs start barking then as I find myself smiling over a funny line I read in my twitter timeline. Then, the thoughts move to my friends, essentially to their status, posts and activities. Then, I realize the absurdity of thinking of fb and twitter in the middle of night. Then, I start analyzing the pros and cons of social networking sites. Still absurd! I conclude that this is all because of using too much social sites. I vow then, solemnly, not to use it, starting from this morning, a vow which, I know, will vanish with the coming dawn. I smile again at the absurdity of it all.

4:00 am. Damn, now it is almost time to wake up. Desperate to sleep, I am now counting from one to hundred in my mind. Numbers have always bored me, so I hope it will bore me enough to sleep. Instead the news starts playing in my mind and I lose count. My country is in deep problem, everything is worsening. Reading news these days leaves me heavy-hearted. It’s even more difficult when away from one’s country. I wonder then, how can the so called leaders sleep at night; when they lie and hurt so many people and ruin the country. It is like a whirlwind, as news pours into my thoughts and I try to make sense of it. The hope is dim and it’s difficult to see light at the end of tunnel. I ask God to show some light here and mutter another prayer.

Its starting to get hazy. Thoughts are coming like whirlwind still, too many things into my mind but at a slower rate; A little of home there, a little of work here.  Thoughts shuffle and mix and links with a distant memory lightening up a slow smile in my face and everything blends in like inside a kaleidoscope.  Thoughts seem to change into dreams and I finally seem to be entering the trance state of falling asleep.

“Ting ting”!! At first, I wonder if I am dreaming, then the vibrating motion jerks me awake. My alarm! damn it! Its 4:30 am already.  I curse as I snooze it off. Then, the process of losing into trance and snoozing the alarm with constant thoughts of “I will be late” and “just 5 more minutes”  going in between until I jump off from the bed cursing the goddamn insomnia for keeping me awake the whole night and getting me late for my work.

So, begins a new day; dark eyed, caffeine fueled, after a night of tossing and turning.

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